Hospital Bloopers?
ACTUAL writings from hospital charts
User Comments
- 9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission
- 5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
- disappeared.
- 22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
- lmao.. these are sooooo funny!! thanks for the laugh!
- depressed.
- 4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very
- 13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
- got a divorce.
- 3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
- lol! They are hilarious! Where did you find them if I may ask? :)
- 24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
- therapy.
- 10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
- forgetful.
- 19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
- 1. The patient refused autopsy.
- What a crack up! Where did you find those? Number 17 made me laugh out loud.
Other ones I've heard of:
1) Large brown BM, ambulating in hall.
2) speculum out, doctor in
3) pt remarked she like the Kentucky jelly (KY)
- bloopers bloopers bloomers there every wear even in this massage.
- 25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
- kathy you forgot the best ones...."you're half a quart low" "anybody seen my watch?"
- 7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
- 18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she
- 17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid
- 16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
- 11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
- 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
- 23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
- Patient stated' I havent felt well since before I started feeling bad" (actual chart entry)
- 15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
- hot in bed last night.
- A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
- 6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
- 20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
- 12. She is numb from her toes down.
- 21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
- 14. The skin was moist and dry.
- 8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
- 9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
26. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
27. The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
28. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
29. The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
30 She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
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Favorite Nurse Quotes
1. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
2. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
3. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
4. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door number 2?
5. I’d agree with you if you were right, but you’re not.
6. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be?
7. How can I miss you if you don’t go away?
8. If it weren’t for booze, cigarettes, and stupidity we’d all have to get real jobs.
9. I have to care for you, not care about you.
10. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
11. How about never? Is never good for you?
12. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
13. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
14. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of ****.
15. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
16. I’m already visualizing the tape over your mouth.
17. What am I? Flypaper for assholes?
18. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
19. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
20. You sound reasonable…Time to up the medication.
21. Who me? No, I’m not the nurse; I just wander from room to room.
22. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
23. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
24. Chaos, panic and disorder- my work here is done.
25. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
26. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. Don’t worry. I forgot your name, too.
29. You say I’m a ***** like it’s a bad thing.